


Web of Love

by neverweremine



Category: Ultimate Spider-Man (Cartoon 2012)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:07:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28331355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neverweremine/pseuds/neverweremine
Summary: "WEB OF LOVE: Who's the best couple, Spider-Man/Parker or Agent Venom/Parker? Who cheated on who first? What's so special about this young Queens nerd? Prospective ship names and more on page 10," read Sam. "Hey, who says there's cheating? It could be a polyamorous relationship. Honestly, the nerve of some people, making assumptions."Peter banged his forehead against a wall.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Flash Thompson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 83





	Web of Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [X_Gon_Give_It](https://archiveofourown.org/users/X_Gon_Give_It/gifts).



It starts on a Thursday. A busy Thursday. A 'Hydra and the Sinister Six are attacking at the same time' Thursday. Luckily, the Avengers decided to lend a hand but Hydra has no limit of grunts to throw at them and the Sinister Six weren't so keen on having a group from World War II outdo them. Gotta love that competitive spirit. Peter didn't, but then again, he wasn't fond of most things involving supervillains.

They stationed him north, atop a bridge overlooking the impromptu battlefield. Iron Man and Nova were using their blasts to corral the Hydra grunts into a bottleneck. His job was to slow them so the ground team didn't get overwhelmed. So far it was working, but not without a few hitches. Namely, bad guys attempting to maim him.

"Beetle, not now! Can't you see I'm busy?"

Peter ducked as an armored fist tried to take his head. He thrust his arm forward and aimed his webs at the Sinister Six member only for his web-shooters to click. He pressed on the trigger, but it clicked again. Empty. And Beetle was gearing for another punch. Whoops.

"Mercy?" he asked.

Beetle lunged forward. Beetle got pulled back by a black web stuck to his back.

"Now, what's going on here?" asked one Agent Venom, AKA Flash Thompson, AKA the best boyfriend ever. "Sorry bud, but this is an arachnid only party, no insects allowed."

Peter switched out his web fluid as Flash took care of Beetle. By the time the new canister clicked into place, Flash had dropped Beetle in the Hudson and Peter resumed his job with the bonus of a gained bodyguard.

"Hey, babe, wonderful weather we're having, huh?" asked Flash. He uppercut a Hydra agent and webbed up an approaching armored vehicle filled with beekeeping costumes, Advanced evil super-spy organization, but fashion designers they were not.

"No pet names while we're fighting."

"A few months in and our relationship is on the rocks already? Man, they were right, the honeymoon phase doesn't last long."

"You know what I meant."

"Duck."

They both ducked as a bolo net sailed over their heads. Kraven. Ugh. He was at the other end of the bridge, swaggering towards them with confidence, but with how slow he was walking it'd take another 10 minutes to get within effective attack range. How insufferable.

"No, no. I get it. You're tired of the ol' one, two. Well, how 'bout the ol' three, four?"

"You're not making sense."

"I rarely do when I'm around you, babe."

"Ugh, gross," said a voice from nowhere. Kraven, closer now, stiffened as electricity arced off his body. He fell to his knees, jittering, his eyes rolling back into his skull, mouth open in a strangled, "What—?" before collapsing. Miles appeared before them two seconds later, voice thick with patented disapproval, "Leave it for the off hours, would you? No one wants to hear you two flirting in the middle of combat."

"Au contraire," said Peter, "we want to hear ourselves flirting."

"Ugh," groaned Miles. "I'm leaving."

He was tempted to say something smarmy as Miles left, a quip or a sassy remark, but a beeping from the comms interrupted him, indicating a line from a different channel. It wasn't from the Avengers only channel or the SHIELD channels. It was one he set up personally, reserved for emergencies routed through his phone. Only a handful of people had the number, and most who did were in the battle, which only left…

"Cover me!" he shouted as he fiddled with the comms, praying for the best.

"What do you think I've been doing?" asked Flash, but he obliged.

"Hello. May, is that you?"

"No, only little old me."

MJ. The relief he felt at her voice was fleeting. She was supposed to be at the Daily Bugle, doing her internship, and yet she was calling him. She must be in real danger if it was something the Carnage Queen couldn't handle on her own.

"What's wrong? Is everything all right? Do you need me to come get you? Are you in trouble?"

"No, but you are."

"What?"

She spoke low, as if wary of eavesdroppers. "I just got a glimpse of tomorrow's papers. You're in it. As in you, Peter Parker. This new hire, Brock, got a photo of you entering a bathroom and Spider-Man coming out. It's not foolproof, only two photos, but he said he saw you go in, Spider-Man come out, and checked the stalls afterward. Spoiler alert, you weren't in the stalls."

"So... not good."

"Yeah, not good. I thought I'd warn you now. Any idea how you're going to sweep this one under the rug?"

"Well, there's only one solution, right? Peter Parker and Spider-Man have to be at the same place in front of everyone."

"And how are you going to pull that off?"

He glanced at Flash. The wave of goons to beat had died down, but he was still fist raised, prepared to fend off enemies. "I've got an idea. Gotta go, MJ. Thanks for the heads up."

"Right. Good luck out there. Stay safe."

"You too. Over and out." He switched back to the main channel and radioed in. "Cap, how're we doing?"

"Things are winding down. There're a few stragglers, but I'm sure between our teams, we can handle them. Thanks again for the assist, Spider-Man."

"Yeah. Hey, look, I know we're still in combat, but since things are slowing, do you mind if Agent Venom and I head out early? We have some personal matters to attend to."

"We do?" asked Flash. Peter ignored him.

"Can do," said Cap. "Over and out."

Peter dropped his hand from his earpiece. He tugged at Flash's arm, grateful that his boyfriend had taken care of everyone on the bridge. "Okay then. C'mon, big guy, we need to find the nearest restroom and not get caught this time."

Flash stuttered. He stumbled. He said nothing and everything within a few seconds, tripping over himself and squeaking. Typical jock. Not for the first time, Peter wondered how he ended up the wonderful dumbass that was Flash Thompson.

.

The plan was simple. A lot of people needed to see Peter Parker and Spider-Man at the same time. Preferably, people with camera phones with a penchant for recording and posting every little thing. Lucky then, that they lived in New York. All Flash had to do was dress as Spider-Man and rescue Peter in front of them. Problem solved. There was no way _the Daily Bugle_ could run the 'Peter Parker is Spider-Man' story with so much opposing evidence.

Flash, of course, loved the idea.

"Aw, babe, you're going to be my damsel in distress."

"No, I'm going to be 'Spider-Man's damsel in distress. We already know who the damsel in distress is in this relationship. It's you."

"Me? Since when?"

"I don't know, since the many times I'd rescue you during sophomore year? I remember this one time you were cowering under a lunch table—"

"I was not cowering, I was tactically retreating."

"Sure, sure. Just remember, don't swoop in and save me until I cry for help and there's at least, I don't know, three cameras pointed at me."

"Got it. Then we meet up afterward?"

"Yeah. Now shoo, I have to make this look believable."

There was a crowd on the outskirts of the battle, phones held high. Peter, careful not to be seen and grateful for the distraction of the Avengers and his team versus Hydra and the Sinister Six, spider-climbed his way to one of the nearby buildings and jumped onto an iron-wrought balcony. He waited and, in time with one of Hulk's tremor-inducing roars, 'tripped' over the iron bars, catching the edge of the balcony at the last second.

"Help!" he yelled. "Help! Somebody, please help me!"

The people nearby gasped, and he heard shutter clicks. That should be good enough. Now he had to wait for Flash to show up—

His earpiece crackled to life as Sam's voice floated through, quick and incredulous. "Webhead, why are you in your civvies, and why are you dangling from a balcony yelling for help? Like, I get it, you're a natural attention seeker but this is ridiculous."

Maybe they should've chosen a spot further away from the battle.

"Hey," said Iron Man, "Do you want a rescue, kid?" Peter's face burned red. Should he tell them? Should he have warned them beforehand? Probably. The crowd below him gasped in fright, urging a hero to help him. There had to have been over three cameras on him now.

"Flash," Peter muttered between gritted teeth, "now would be a good time—"

"Don't worry, citizen. I will rescue you!" With the most robotic voice possible, Flash swung to the rescue, landing on the wall next to Peter with a thud that would've spooked any normal civilian into letting go. They needed to work on that. Later. He held out one arm toward Flash, which Flash took, guiding him into letting go. "It's fine, citizen, I can handle your weight no problem. Lean on me and I'll get you down in a jiffy."

Jiffy. What was this, the 1950s? Still, he did as Flash instructed and it was seconds before he was ground level with the awed crowd.

"Oh, Spider-Man," Peter said once Flash let go, "thank you for the rescue." He put emphasis on Spider-Man to underline the fact that, 'hey, Spider-Man rescued me, therefore I cannot be Spider-Man,' but even as it left his mouth, he could tell he did it wrong. It sounded too... swoony. Like he was a vapid love interest in a noir movie.

"Anytime, citizen!" said Flash. He did a brief salute and then webbed himself elsewhere.

In his ear, a long-suffering Ben said, "Can't you two leave your roleplay in the bedroom like normal people?" Peter wanted to correct him, but the crowd had converged on him then, asking him if he was okay or if he needed an ambulance. Waving their concerns away, Peter blended into the crowd and watched as the battle reached its conclusion. This'll be tough to explain later.

Fifteen minutes later he made his escape. They hadn't agreed on a place to meet up after, but he was sure Flash was keeping tabs on him. True to form, as the crowd lessened, and the battle became nothing but distant echoing off the deserted streets, Flash appeared, mask lifted to his nose showing pearly white teeth and lips that Peter could (and has) kissed.

"Hey, babe, did I do a good job being you?"

Instead of ridiculing his boyfriend's use of jiffy, Peter hummed. "I don't know, your musical rendition of me was pretty top notch. Don't think anything can top that."

"Oh god, you swore you'd never bring that up again." Flash's shoulders hunched and his face turned peach pink.

"Aw, c'mon, I thought it was sweet."

"No, you didn't."

No, he didn't. Well, not then anyway. "It was very romantic."

"I threw up in front of you."

"Yeah, that was pretty disgusting... but everything else was sweet."

"I insulted you to your face while producing a musical about you." He turned away, hunching in further and further. "You heard me sing. My singing is terrible and you know it."

"Yeah, it is pretty terrible," admitted Peter, "but you know what's great?"

He placed a hand on his boyfriend's jaw and turned him so they were face-to-face. "My hero." He said, then kissed him. It was a short and chaste and sweet kiss; his boyfriend's favorite.

Flash snorted, but that didn't change the embarrassed yet pleased tilt of his mouth. "C'mon, your hero needs to get out of this tight ass spandex. I forgot how hard it is to move in this."

Peter smiled.

Problem solved.

.

Problem not solved.

The slap of the newspaper meeting the desk was cacophonous. It was the _Daily Bugle_ ; headline: New York Nobody Dating New York Menace; on it was a blurry picture of Peter kissing Flash, except Flash was in the Spider-Man costume. From what MJ said, Brock had been taking pictures of the deserted streets and so happened to stumble upon them from a football stadium's length away. Armed with a trusty scope and no shortage of dollar signs in his eyes, he took no shortage of pictures. Peter hadn't ever met the guy, but he cursed him eternally.

Fury glared at their bowed heads with no sympathy. "So let me get this right. While Hydra and the Sinister Six were decimating New York, you two thought it would be fun to play hooky and make out."

This was... the worst outcome.

"They weren't decimating New York. Things were settling AND we asked Cap for permission. You see, MJ called and said the next paper was gonna out my secret ID in the newspaper and so—"

"And so, in trying to get out of the newspaper, you ended up... on the front pages of the newspapers. Congratulations."

"Well," he was waving his hands. Why did he always wave his hands? "When you say it like that… I mean, at least people don't think I'm Spider-Man."

"No, just that you're dating Spider-Man," said Fury dryly.

Flash who, mostly, had been receiving their scolding stoically next to him, burst forth, "Hey, what's wrong with dating Spider-Man? I like it!"

Oh, Flash...

Peter put a quelling hand on his partner's elbow and grimaced at Fury, who looked between the picture on the front page and the two teens before him. "I can see that," he stated. "But seeing as how I already bent the fraternization rules for you two on the basis that you not bring your relationship into the workplace, and not only have you broken it, you had it broadcasted throughout the entirety of New York, a punishment is in order."

He let the sentence linger and watched them squirm. Then: "You'll be cleaning the bathrooms and the hangar for a week. On top of that, you'll have no partnered patrols, classes, or team training exercises for a month. This is a high-tech government agency, not a high school where you can skip class to suck face under the bleachers. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir," they said while stifling their groans. It could be worse.

.

"Hey, look," said Sam as they entered the rec room. He was on the couch, playing a video game with Miles, but paused it as they shuffled in. "The lovebirds are back from their scolding. So what's your punishment?"

"We're banned from teaming up for a month and we're on cleaning duty for a week." Peter flopped onto the couch, his long limbs bumping into Miles' body. "I hate my life."

"Uh, no offense," said Miles, "but it's kind of what you deserve. I mean, who ditches a battle to switch costumes and make out?"

Peter straightened. "We weren't making out! Flash, tell them, were we making out?"

"No, we weren't," said Flash obediently.

("Whipped," Sam coughed into his fist.)

"There you go, we weren't making out! It was, okay, we kissed, sure, but the changing costumes was so my identity wouldn't be outed and it worked! It would've worked completely if we didn't get caught kissing, but…"

"Would it? No offense, but Flash doesn't fill out the suit too well—"

"And what Miles means is that you fill out the suit too well," interrupted Sam. "The only reason no one's suspicious by this sudden buff Spidey is because they're too busy trying to think up ship names."

"Yeah," said Miles. "Is there any reason why you couldn't ask someone more your body type to wear the suit? Didn't you say Danny wore it once?"

"Yeah, or you could've asked Ben? Your actual clone?"

Gah, he hated when they ganged up on him. He glanced at Flash, but his boyfriend's mouth was full of several granola bars. Coward. "It's called the DAILY Bugle. We were a little pressed for time. Besides, you guys were busy fighting."

"Like you should've been?" asked Sam.

"I hate all of you."

"We're not the ones who couldn't stop making out long enough to notice a photographer."

"He took it from far away! My spider-sense has a limit! And we weren't making out!"

"But you were flirting earlier," pointed out Miles. And, well, he couldn't argue with that. He tried to, but all that came out was splutters that resembled scat singing. Sam raised a hand. Miles high-fived it.

"Listen here, you little—" started Peter, only for a knock to interrupt him. Ava entered the room, fruit basket in hand, and smile fixed on her face.

"What's the occasion?" asked Flash.

"It's for Peter, from the Avengers," she explained as she set the basket on the coffee table. "Also, Pete, if you can keep your tone PG from now on, that would be great. You are a teacher after all and there are students to think of."

"Not you too." He turned the basket towards him and grabbed the note stapled to the rim. It was a simple card, with no signature. "Congratulations on your new beau," he read aloud. "I hope you have a wonderful time dating yourself." Who on the Avengers was willing to— No, wait, dumb question. Hawkeye. Who else?

"I hate everything," declared Peter as he flopped back onto the couch, smacking Sam in the meantime.

"Except me?" asked Flash.

"Except you, honey."

Ava, Miles, and Sam groaned. Peter internally patted himself on the back.

.

Flash sighed. Again. Peter thought their punishments were annoying but not 'sigh three times in a minute' annoying. He stilled his mop and focused his attention on his boyfriend washing the underside of a jet. "What's the matter?"

"Nothin'..."

Peter waited.

"It's the guys."

Ah. The guys, as in Flash's old buddies from high school, or at least, his boyfriend reassured him, the decent ones. The ones that didn't shove kids into lockers on a regular basis or at least swore they changed their ways. He knew they still talked from time to time, and while he'd approve of their continued communication, seconds chances, and all that jazz, he hadn't gotten around to joining Flash in meeting them.

"See, I told them I was dating you, remember? And they were happy for me; supportive, you know? But with the Daily Bugle and the pic, they're calling you a heartbreaker and a cheat and even offered to rough you up a bit for me— not that they would! They changed, I swear, it's just talk, but every time I try to say you're not like that, they're telling me I'm in denial and if I insist, they'll know something's up and… and…"

"And?"

"And is it weird if I'm jealous of Spider-Man?"

Peter, who had been half leaning on his mop, stumbled and slipped, the mop flying out of his grasp and his elbow knocking against the wall. " _I'm_ Spider-Man," he said.

"Yeah, I know. I meant the Spider-Man that got to kiss you in the papers."

"That was _you_!" he shouted incredulously.

"I know! I guess I'm… jealous of the fact that everyone thinks Spider-Man is dating you." His face turned red as his voice lowered into a whisper. "I don't know."

"You are _ridiculous_ , Flash Thompson. Come here." He stepped over the mop and guided Flash to drop his rag. He pressed a kiss to Flash's chin and then lifted himself on his tippy toes to kiss Flash's lips. "My ridiculous boyfriend."

A burst of giggles stopped them from going any further. Doreen and Tandy were at the door of the hangar, cheeks red. They were quick to leave once caught, but not before giggling more, leaving Peter and Flash's own cheeks a bright cherry red.

.

A week passed. The teasing from their teammates had died, and Peter, stupidly, thought that the debacle was behind them. He was wrong.

.

It was one of the rare weekends since becoming a full-fledged staff member of SHIELD Academy he had a day off, and of course, he spent it at Aunt May's. They were having a wonderful time catching each other up on their week, her teasing him at his catch—

("Spider-Man, I can't believe it. My nephew is dating a superhero."

" _Aunt May_.")

— when May's face lit up then fell, "Oh, dear. I've only now remembered, I ran out of groceries yesterday and I'm afraid I can't make anything for two with what I've got. Do you mind staying here while I go get them?"

"Hey, no need. I can get them. Tell me what you need and I'll be back before you know it."

Shopping list in hand, Peter left the Parker household merrily, not bothering to cover his face or hide at all.

Big mistake.

.

For a _New York Nobody_ , he was getting recognized left and right. First, it was a couple of giggling girls in the dairy aisle. Then it was a guy with a mohawk by the meats, asking if he was, "That Parker guy that snagged the hottest piece of ass this side of the Hudson". After that, he spotted a couple of teens not so sneakily aiming their camera's phone at him. By the time he entered the checkout line, he was pretty sure everybody knew who he was.

And then Kraven battered through the front doors, shattering glass, yelling "Peter Parker!" while pointing at him. So yeah, everyone knew who he was now.

If this were any other day, he could've snuck to the back of the store, changed, and beat Kraven's butt, but this wasn't any other day, and it's hard to sneak when the villain's pointing at you and everyone thinks you're dating a superhero. He raised his arms from the cart slowly, spider-sense going a thousand miles a minute. "What... What do you want with me?"

"It's not what I want with you, leetle lover," said Kraven as he walked through the wrecked storefront, glittering glass falling from his shoulders. "It's what I want with the Spider. You are only bait."

Oh, great. He's been reduced to the bait. Kraven kept getting closer and Peter tried to step back, but someone's cart was in the way. He stepped around the cart but Kraven tsked and before he could register the taser poking into his side; it was flashing, electric blue dancing before his eyes and then darkness…

and then nothing.

.

When he awoke, he was on a rooftop overlooking Times Square. And, oh god, was that his face? Was that his face on the billboard on Times Tower? How unusually high tech of Kraven. He tried to spot the camera, but it must've been on another rooftop across the street because his rooftop was empty except for Kraven, who paid him no mind as he ran his knife along a sharpening stone. Peter twisted along his restraints, an abrasive rope that was a tad too tight and a chair with one uneven leg, and sneered.

"What do you want, Kraven?"

"I say it before, but you must've forgotten. If you want to catch a Spider, you must set up juicy fly on web, yes?"

Except he was Spider-Man, and he tired of this. Who knew dating a superhero could be so exhausting? He flexed his arms around the rope. It was normal, not the industrial, reinforced ones he Kraven used to tie him as his alter ego. Nothing he couldn't burst out of with his strength, smash the chair over the villain's face, and wash his hands of, except then Kraven would know, and the people in Times Square would know, and then he'd be in the proverbial doghouse.

No, better to wait for someone to rescue him. Whether that rescue will include 'Spider-Man' was up for his teammates to decide.

.

Ten minutes later, his rescue came. It wasn't Spider-man, but one grumpy Agent Venom.

"What's this? I wanted the Spider, not a friend. Is Spider-Man too cowardly to save his boyfriend?"

"Leave him alone," said Venom as he barrel-rolled past Peter's vision. A soft thud emerged from somewhere behind him. On the billboard, Kraven held his jaw, a scowl on his face. It was hard to see the ground from where he sat, but he could hear gasps and murmurs above the honking horns. Great. Another crowd. This was becoming familiar.

"Ha, you think you can trick me, but I have learned! With my thermal goggles, I can see leetle invisible spider before he shocks me again."

"There is no invisible spider, just me. All I ever needed was me to beat you up," said Flash. It didn't sound like a bluff. Miles must've been busy.

"Heh. Feisty. But I'm not here for you, I am here for this one's," odd, seeing himself on-screen get pointed at from a different angle, "boyfriend." His voice raised to a bellow, his head turning to examine their surroundings, "Come out, Spider-Man. I know you're out there. Don't you want to protect your boyfriend? Don't tell me you're a coward!"

A roar ripped through the air, so loud and sudden, that Peter had to twist in his wobbly chair to see for himself as Agent Venom bum-rushed Kraven. Flash was strong, always had been, but it was one thing to see Flash knockout robots or quarterback his way through fellow high school students and another thing to see him flatten a muscular adult. Even Kraven had his mouth agape, but not before his hand went to his waist, grabbing a familiar two-pronged taser.

"Agent Venom, watch out!"

Flash's spider-sense must've been working double-time, because he slapped the taser away, webbed the taser back before it could even stop spinning, and then before Kraven could blink, brought the taser to the guy's abdomen. Kraven was out in a second, and then the fight was finished. The crowd cheered. Peter, gob-smacked, but no less grateful, smiled, and said, "Good job!"

"Thanks, babe. You all right?" asked Flash as he walked over. The handiest thing about having a boyfriend with a symbiote? He could cut rope with only a thought. The rope fell and Peter stood, stretching his legs and rolling the kink out of his shoulders.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for the help—"

And then, like watching a slow-motion film, the lower half of Agent Venom's face drew back, revealing Flash's face, and he was leaning in, and—

Oh.

Where the first public kiss was chaste and quick, this was long and passionate and mesmerizing. Peter, in true dummy fashion, stood motionless for the entirety of it, too cognizant of the crowd, the billboard, the wolf whistles, and shocked gasps that floated to them from below. The shock must've been blatant on his face because when Flash drew back, his mouth fell into a grimace.

"Whoops," he said lamely.

Whoops.

He drew away, but the damage was done.

"What was that for?" Peter hissed.

"I don't know, Kraven was saying how your boyfriend was a coward and wouldn't rescue you, and then I was remembering my friends' words and they kept bringing up Spider-Man and—"

"And so you got jealous. Of yourself. And kissed me."

"Whoops," he repeated with a guilty shrug.

Peter sighed. Great. Now he was going to become twice the villain bait.

.

Peter wondered when the slap of a newspaper against a table started sounding so ominous to him.

" _WEB OF LOVE: Who's the best couple, Spider-Man/Parker or Agent Venom/Parker? Who cheated on who first? What's so special about this young Queens nerd? Prospective ship names and more on page 10,_ " read Sam. "Hey, who says there's cheating? It could be a polyamorous relationship. Honestly, the nerve of some people, making assumptions."

Peter banged his forehead against a wall.

"Hey, don't keep us in suspense," said Luke. "Flip to page 10."

"Do not flip to page 10," he reached for the paper but Luke got there first. Peter kept trying to grab it, but Luke could not be bothered. "Do not read more. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200."

"You know, this is your own fault, right? You and your boyfriend," stated Sam.

"Oh god," Luke said. He was laughing. Why was he laughing? His eyes were crinkling too. Peter's spider-sense trilled.

"What's so funny?" he asked. Sam leaned over one shoulder and so Peter went around the couch and leaned over the other one. He skimmed the paragraphs, each one inaccurate in every way. The first paragraph read: " _From what this paper can tell, Peter Parker is your average New Yorker who, judging by his noodle arms, hasn't worked out in a day in his life. So how can this New York Nobody gain the attention of the two hottest superheroes around?_ " and while unflattering, it was a typical story for _the Daily Bugle_.

"Look at the author," instructed Luke.

His eyes shot up to the top of the page. "Wait, written by Mary Jane Watson? What the—"

Sam broke into gleeful laughter, snatching the paper and bouncing across the room like a maniac. He kept quoting snippets of the article while dodging Peter's attempts at wrestling him into submission. " _Peter Parker is average in every way imaginable, it's a wonder that two of these hunks fell head over heels for him._ "

"Hunks? Did she use the word hunks? She hates that word!"

"— _Besides a history of winning the school science fair, there seems to be no redeemable quality about him._ "

"That's not what she said in 4th grade when I saved that cat stuck in a tree!"

"— _or maybe,_ " Sam read in a breathy voice, " _they fell in love with the mole that starred in his many yearbook photos, right below his ear_ — "

Peter clapped a hand over where he knew the mole to be, "She knows I'm sensitive about that mole!"

It was maddening. Sam kept reading and Peter kept chasing and Luke wasn't helping, laughing his ass off on the couch. And so, when Flash entered the room, Peter was on his last bit of a rope.

"Break up with me," he begged.

"Uh," Flash said, and his eyes got big and his lip wobbled and he hunched his shoulders in as if the world was crumbling beneath him. Oh no, oh no, terrible mouth, thoughts too fast, need to explain.

"Not, like, actual break up. Pretend break up. You as Spider-Man or Agent Venom, fake break up, absolutely fake so people will stop writing stories about me, and MJ will stop describing my mole. Fake, not real, break up."

"Oh," Flash said with pink-tinged cheeks, aware he overreacted. "Okay, I can do that."

.

He couldn't do it.

.

"I'm sorry, your lips were wobbling and your eyes went big and I could never break up with you—"

"It's a pretend breakup. We rehearsed and everything!"

"But there was a crowd!"

"Yeah, because it needs to be a public breakup or else the point's moot!"

"Oh, how 'bout this, you can break up with me! That'll work!"

"No one's going to believe it. I'm _New York Nobody_ , remember? It'll look suspicious if I'm the one breaking us up in front of a crowd when you have more motive to break up with me."

"We can try again? I can do it as Agent Venom this time instead of Spider-Man, that might make it easier."

Peter shook his head. No, they needed to get it right from the get-go…

.

Peter approached Ben and Luke, spider-suit and SHIELD's best holographic disguise tech in hand.

"Please break up with me," he said.

Ben sighed and leaned back in a, " _What is my life_?" gesture. Luke shrugged and said, "Sure."

The break up went off without a hitch, and after a few days of furious outcry, the hype surrounding Peter Parker died and they lived happily ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/Neverweremine1)
> 
> Hey, so I don't know if you're reading this, like, in the morning or the appropriate time, but I did in fact write and post this within my timezone's christmas, so like,,, merry shitmas, alice.
> 
> Also please feel free to point out errors, it's 10 pm and i'm dead inside


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